According to insiders, after Anthony Fauci pleaded the 5th to over a hundred questions about his glory days as The Science, a new diary entry was posted to his diary file iamawesome.fauci.whitehouse.gov expressing deep regret over a terrible mistake made with devastating consequences to the aged, vulnerable former chief medical advisor. The new post read simply:
"I deeply regret my decision to write this diary in a secure government file instead of spending big bucks on the purple diary with the gold lock. Let this be a lesson to all future chief medical advisors who wield unlimited power during future pandemics they cause by funding foreign gain of function labs - buy a diary with a lock. Don't suffer the same horrific fate I am suffering now for my honesty in private. The Science has spoken. Also, I'm in the news again, yay!"
But that's not all that happened last week!
Read on for exclusive headlines you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason. (Title headline by @lilsebastian.)
Top Headlines of the Week - headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:
New Husband Confused Why Married Friends Gift Him With Noise-Canceling Headphones @ruthiej714
Fifth Amendment Sues Dr. Anthony Fauci For Defamation @gfanson
Toddler With Hands In Cookie Jar Pleads The Fifth @drconservativeprof
Pride Parade Crashes Into Innocent Muslim Driver @baberahamlincoln
Experts Recommend Staying 6 Feet Away From Men Who Keep A Diary @dontslowtheearth
Fauci Tells Biden That He May Need A Booster Pardon @slayinggiants
DNC To Swap Out Candidates Every Two Weeks Until They Find One Who's Electable @ohdear
Biden Pleads The…You Know…The Thing @pure_teej
Scholars Confirm Paul's Thorn Still Less Painful Than Fauci Hearing @murf
Google Maps To Bring Back Old Feature Where It Doesn't Drive You Straight Into A Massive Traffic Jam @yantelope
When Asked If It Is Dead Or Alive, Schrödinger's Cat Takes The Fifth @alex0987
Fauci Declines To Answer If Evasiveness Is COVID Side Effect @bobster
Librarians To Move Atlas Shrugged, 1984, Brave New World, Fahrenheit 451, Minority Report, And 2001 A Space Odyssey To Non-Fiction Section This School Year @babylonandonanon
If A Vegetarian Only Eats Vegetables, What Does A Humanitarian Eat? @thecatman
Happy 250th Smithsonian Unveils Portrait Of Black Founders @libshateamerica
Sometimes, really great headlines don't make it to the top so here are some of my favorites:
Party Full Of Communists And Fraudsters Somehow Goes Broke @neohillbilly
Mamdani Announces Prices For Free Grocery Stores @captainadam
God Promises To Spare Smithsonian If He Can Find 10 Patriotic Exhibits In It @batknight
Fauci Wishing He Had Sprung For The Purple Diary With The Heart Lock @lilsebastian
Husband Pleads The Fifth After Wife Asks, "Does This Outfit Make
Me Look Fat?" @twoplus2ischickenOp Ed: WNBA Fighting Would End If Someone Would Simply Tell The Ladies To Calm Down @dontslowtheearth
Nation's Liberals Honored To Have Been Lied To By Fauci @waltfla
8-Year Old Asks Dad During Bible Time What 'Give Me Rachel That I May Go Into Her' Means @dc2020
Historians Still Wondering How Medieval Peasants Built Architectural Marvels Without Microsoft Teams @davidjohnson
Ketanji Brown Jackson Explains Her Latest Judicial Opinion Using Sock Puppets @howiescheer
Bonus - one randomly selected headline:
Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments below.
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