A local family decided to clean out the garage last weekend and was rewarded by discovering a valuable item they had completely forgotten about: the Ark of the Covenant. Purchased years ago at a local garage sale, the Ark of the Covenant had been lost behind a pile of old paint cans, extra roof shingles, bags of potting soil, a large tarp, and old fishing waders. The proud dad who uncovered the sacred gold artifact explained to reporters that he had purchased the unusual object ten years ago, initially thinking it might be valuable, but had just put it in the garage intending to look it up online later. However, it slipped his mind and some things got stacked in front of it rendering it completely invisible until their big once a decade garage clean-out. The man reported the find after finally googling "big gold box with angels on top you carry with poles" and figuring out it was the lost biblical Ark of the Covenant. At press time, the family had decided to just keep it in the garage in case they might need it later, though they did begin to wonder if maybe the Ark was the cause of 10 years of persistent boils.
But that's not all that happened last week!
Read on for exclusive headlines you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason. (Title headline by @farnorth.)
Top Headlines of the Week - headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:
Trump Threatens He Will Do To Iran What Disney Did To Star Wars @dontslowtheearth
Timeshare Exit Consultant Looks Suspiciously Similar To Timeshare Salesman @annafillaxis
Teen Points Out The Bible Never Specifically Mentions Taking Out The Trash @kirgol
James Talarico Proclaims His Firm Belief In The Queen James Bible @slateslabrock
SimCity Reboot Adds Socialist Mayor To Possible Disasters @lpathehuman
DNC Now Training Would-Be Assassins On The New Whac-A-Trump Arcade Game @njhokie84
52 Former False Prophets And Demons Sign Letter Backing James Talarico's Approval Of Abortion @ruthiej714
Texans Deport Old White Guy @drconservativeprof
Bezos Admits Buying Blue Origin Rocket Engines On Temu Was Probably A Mistake @neohillbilly
Teen Starts Building Credit By Borrowing Money From Dad @mrhero
Ayatollah Khamenei Releases Limited Edition ‘Death To America' Turban @gfanson
Disgruntled Lawn Mower Tired Of Being Pushed Around @alola_rychu
Jacob Annoyed That Birthright Includes Family Timeshare @brothertim
Because Tomorrow Is Not Guaranteed, Local Wise Woman Always Eats 2 Desserts @carolyn1
Local Dentist Adds Polygraph Machine To Dental Chair @slayinggiants
Disney World To Replace Carousel Of Progress With Carousel Of Progressives @babylonandonanon
Sometimes, really great headlines don't make it to the top so here are some of my favorites:
YouTube Loses $50 Million As Colbert Launches New ‘Late Show' Channel @goldenbrown
Archaeologists Find Mary's Purity Ring @twoplus2ischicken
Graphic Design Instructor Teaches Students How To File For Unemployment @tylermontgomery
Family Discovers Ark Of The Covenant While Cleaning Garage @farnorth
Elon Abandons Optimus Robots And Decides Just To Clone Much More Efficient Marco Rubio @thebigfreeze
Minnesota Youth Group Leader Ecstatic As Somali Teens Raise $380 Million For Summer Mission Trip @leecory
SBC To Add Pickle Jar Opening To Pastor Qualifications @twoplus2ischicken
Local Woman Discovers Her Spiritual Gift Is Making Sandwiches @skol
Bonus - one randomly selected headline:
Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments below.
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