Here it is, ladies and gents, the Epstein suicide note - because he 100% definitely, no-questions-asked, OBVIOUSLY KILLED HIMSELF.
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Here's what it says:
They investigated me for month — found nothing!!!
So 15 year old charges resulted.
It is a treat to be able to choose one's time to say goodbye.
Watcha want me to do — Bust out cryin!!
Not fun — not worth it.
I don't know about you, but when I write a suicide note, I always use em dashes. That's clearly a sign that this is real — and that Jeffrey Epstein DEFINITELY KILLED HIMSELF!
Whoops, I just used an em dash. Guess it's my time!
Anyhow, this note supposedly comes from after Epstein's first alleged suicide attempt in July 2019, when he was sharing a cell with a former cop named Nicholas Tartaglione. Tartaglione claims he found it in a book the morning after Epstein's actual death in August.
If you'll remember, there had allegedly been a scuffle between Epstein and Tartaglione. Epstein claimed he was attacked, but former AG Bill Barr tells us this was "viewed as an attempted suicide."
The reason we're seeing this note in 2026 is thanks to The New York Times, which asked for its release, and which was later ordered by a U.S. district judge.
It's cool and all — and now we get to talk about Epstein for a few days until we shut our little mouths and pretend to forget about all the pedophile stuff — but I don't think anybody's buying it in 2026.
Anyway, I've used three em dashes now so I've got to be on my way.
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