After the stunning defeat handed down by the Virginia Supreme Court last week put a stop to Governor Spanberger's totally fair and unbiased redistricting plan, liberals have had to regroup and find new ways to win control in states that are fairly evenly split between Democrats and Republicans. The DNC briefly considered coming up with policies that a majority of citizens would like but landed on a much better and easier plan of just gerrymandering in massive cemeteries to Republican leaning districts. This move has widely been seen as brilliant by liberal pundits and terrifying by conservative strategists as the law says nothing about redistricting in dead voters, only live ones. Everyone knows that dead voters have been a reliable voting block for Democrats for years with 100% of corpses voting blue regardless of their previous political leanings. Elon Musk warned on X that large cemeteries gerrymandered into Republican districts will surely be the end of the two party system. At press time, Speaker Mike Johnson had introduced a bill into Congress that would prevent dead people from voting at all. Democrats then denounced the bill as racist causing many Republicans to change their vote.
But that's not all that happened last week!
Read on for exclusive headlines you will only see here on the Bee Forum News, because Bee subscribers see things no one else sees and say things no one else is brave enough to say, for some reason. (Title headline by @tylermontgomery.)
Top Headlines of the Week - headlines with the most upvotes by forum members:
Prison Guard Fired After Forgetting To Put A Fancy Chocolate On Cole Allen's Pillow @kirgol
Manager At Hobby Lobby Suprised To Find Out Your Wife Doesn't Actually Work There @dontslowtheearth
Evil JD Vance Wants Dead People To Starve With No Snap Benefits! @ohdear
White House Tour Guides Keep Asking Trump To Stop Pointing Out Every Spot Bill Clinton Had An Affair In @twoplus2ischicken
Judge Asks Democrats ‘Show Me On This Plushie Where Republicans Hurt You' @gfanson
Local Family Buys Mom Something Expensive For Mother's Day: A Full Gas Can @slinky
Tennessee Shapes New Districts To Make An ‘I'm With Stupid' Sign Pointing At Memphis @lpathehuman
Local Man Who Constantly Hears Voice Telling Him What To Do Realizes He's Not Schizophrenic, He's Just Married @coachjoeconway
Frugal Couple Exchanges Anniversary Cards At The Store Then Puts Them Back @dustynederlander
Water Heater Waiting Patiently For Couple To Pay Off Credit Cards @pure_teej
Liberal Parents Disappointed To Learn Their Teenager Is Only Proficient At Kindergarten Level Assassination @drconservativeprof
Zero Kids Sniffed During The Taking Of This White House Photo @billgremm
Husbands Favorite Shirt Now Just A Single Piece Of Thread @yantelope
DeSantis Says Key To His Jeffries Imitation Is Chugging NyQuil Then Imitating Obama @ruthiej714
Family Shows Appreciation To Mother With Traditional Burnt Dinner @webidtheefarewell
Solomon Saves Marriage, Pours Large Ketchup Bottle Into Two Small Ones, One For The Pantry, One For The Fridge @mackenziemike
Sometimes, really great headlines don't make it to the top so here are some of my favorites:
Historical Preservation Society Declares Road Construction Sign A Protected Landmark @outworlder
Local Man Regrets Not Paying The Upcharge For A Plague-Free Cruise @mrgrumpypants
Millions Of Church Dads Relieved After Sunday School Comes Through With Last Minute Mother's Day Present @dontslowtheearth
Episcopalians Wish God A Happy Mother's Day @martinluther
Gwyneth Paltrow Says You Can End White Supremacy By Buying Her $800 Hand Cream @mrgrumpypants
Millions Of Star Wars Fans No Longer Sense Any Good Left In Luke Skywalker @israel
Democrats Flip Congressional Seat Blue By Redistricting Around Massive Cemetery @tylermontgomery
"Good. Let The Hate Flow Through You." Says Obama To Luke Skywalker As He Joins The Dark Side @captainadam
Planned Parenthood Offers Mother's Day Sale Of Free Vacuum With Any Purchase @dontslowtheearth
Bonus - one randomly selected headline:
Do you have breaking news to report? Join us! Who knows, your headline might get published or featured on the Babylon Bee homepage, or it could show up here in our re-cap of the top headlines of the week. Thousands more totally true headlines were posted this week on the forum, but sadly, only Bee subscribers can read them. You did get to read a few, though, so if you have a favorite, please let us know in the comments below.
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